By now, you have probably heard about former Baltimore Ravens star running back Ray Rice being reinstated into the NFL after he was suspended months ago.
You may have also heard about NBC Today Show’s Matt Lauer interview with Rice, his wife, Janay, and his wife’s mom about the incident that caused him to get suspended. That incident involves videos that were released months ago, showing Rice punching his wife unconscious in an Atlantic City back in mid-February. The incident caused a media frenzy and uproar from many across the country. For the incident, Ray was suspended from the NFL. However, this past week, an arbitrator’s ruling reinstated him to the N.F.L. and overturned the suspension.
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Here’s the part of the entire situation that pertains to us. The issue of domestic violence isn’t new, but the NFL’s reaction, finally, is. Up until now, an old boys club mentality prevailed where issues of DV were either not discussed or trivialized completely. As in many facets of society, the victim was blamed,and justice was non-existent. We see that here. The NFL initially responded by preventing #Rice from playing two games. Two games! It wasn’t until public pressure mounted that they had to reconsider.
The official story is they didn’t see the video of what transpired in the elevator when they gave out the first punishment. But why did they need to see it at all? It wasn’t enough that a strong football player dragged his unconscious fiance across a hotel floor, by the hair? They had to see a video in order to ensure she hadn’t provoked it?
This is where the problem lies. In my profession, I can’t tell you how many times I deal with domestic violences cases and have to hear about how “she” provoked “him.” I give examples in my talks about egregious domestic violence cases only to have people ask me: Well, why did he do that? What did she do? Why was he so angry?
I have countless examples of this. One of the most searing was when I spoke to an older woman in our community about a friend who was separated from her husband. She expressed concern for the friend and asked why she was separated. Because I had permission from my friend to do so, I told the woman that her husband had physically abused her on several occasions, and she finally decided to leave him. The woman was appalled.
Not because my friend had been abused, but because she was so “selfish” for leaving her husband. She told me “men sometimes lose their tempers” and “it’s our job to make sure they stay calm.” Excuse me? It’s my job as a woman to ensure a man does not lose his self-control and start flinging his fists around? And I’m supposed to do that how? In my experience, it is often the meekest, most obedient, most polite women who are abused*. So what more should she do to ensure he isn’t enraged?
This is not the line of questioning we should be asking. Instead, what we should be asking is what have we done as a society to encourage people to behave so abhorrently? We should ask why we feel so comfortable blaming the victim and not holding the abuser accountable? We should ask what insecurities lie within us that prevent us from showing the proper support or empathy to a person who has clearly been wronged?
When will we recognize that the problem does not lie with the victim, but in how the abuser responds? Raising your fist or dragging your purported loved one across the floor is NEVER ok.
Let’s learn from this, please, and start talking more about this issue to make change.
Words are powerful. We can teach our children to handle their anger and frustration without their fists. We can teach them not to hit. We can teach them to respect themselves and others by controlling their emotions and not making spectacles of themselves, simply because they got “provoked.”
Hopefully, we can also teach them that when they do not behave properly, there will be dire consequences.
“Little Lessons” is a RIZZARR series that analyzes current events and their socio-political influence.
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