Few events in American history have challenged our sense of security like the COVID-19 pandemic. Not only has it exposed how fragile our status quo was, but it also revealed our struggle to adjust to some challenges that weren’t all that challenging in the first place — like sitting through the entirety of “Tiger King.” In the event that a pandemic becomes a full-on global disaster, though, would you be among those who live to tell the tale? Take this quiz to find out.
1. The electricity suddenly goes out in your house. What do you do?
A. Wait briefly until the solar panels that I bought with my excellent credit score kick in automatically.
B. Turn on the generator.
C. Light some candles.
D. Weep.
2. The governor declares martial law. What do you do?
A. Double-check that the emergency bunker has all the supplies I need.
B. Build a barricade out of the couch and that jacked-up bike in the basement while singing the barricade song from “Les Miserables”
C. See if the library has any books about civil liberties.
D. Hey, I know a guy named Marshall Law! He owes me 20 bucks!
3. The grocery store runs out of food. What do you do?
A. Rig up a hydroponic system to provide both vegetables and fish.
B. Plan out the house’s existing food budget to last an extra month.
C. Find out what it costs to rent a dumpster, rip out all the backyard’s grass and mulch and toss it in, then plant potatoes. … Wait, how long does it take potatoes to grow?
D. Check to make sure the store didn’t forget that they actually have a bunch in the back warehouse they just plumb forgot about!
4. The newspapers say the hospitals cannot accept any new patients. What do you do?
A. Use untraceable Bitcoin to buy medical-grade drugs on the dark web.
B. Build a first aid kit that has enough tape, gauze, and painkillers to serve the family.
C. Get one of those giant gallon jugs of disinfectant.
D. Look up a month-long herbal cleanse that eliminates the body’s toxins.
5. Oil shortages result in no available gasoline. What do you do?
A. Convert my car’s engine to use ethanol — and change out the transmission to a manual while I’m at it because driving a stick shift is cooler.
B. Hook up the car’s battery charger to a giant hamster wheel, then get my cardio on.
C. Walk. Everywhere.
D. Break into the local museum and grind up dinosaur bones to make oil.
6. Reports say that a new strain of the virus leads to zombification. What do you do?
A. Gloat that I was RIGHT ALL ALONG.
B. Check to make sure that my kid’s BB gun can fire .45-caliber ammunition.
C. Actually put on my mask whenever I leave the house.
D. Join the giant traffic jam of cars leaving the city — because what could go wrong there?
7. Society collapses, and your neighborhood falls under control of a survivalist gang. What do you do?
A. Challenge the leader for authority.
B. Join them, then try to recruit my friends who previously fell for pyramid schemes.
C. Impress the leaders by designing a logo for the gang and ordering everyone matching baseball caps.
D. Form a counter-gang and re-enact the plot of “West Side Story.”
8. As supplies run low, people turn to cannibalism. What do you do?
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A. Find out who’s getting eaten and graze my livestock on their now-vacant property.
B. Trade fake meat made out of ground-up magazines for good winter clothing.
C. Remind myself that I’d promised to go vegetarian, anyway, and enjoy some carrots.
D. See if I can stream “Zombieland” one more time to pick up tips.
9. Rumors say there’s a cure in the old abandoned military base, three towns over. What do you do?
A. Round up a post-apocalyptic posse to check it out, then supervise from 500 feet away.
B. Use the surveillance drone I bought back when paranoia was voluntary.
C. Bring my most replaceable friend and immediately suggest we split up once we’re inside.
D. Eagerly volunteer to be the first person to enter. — because what could go wrong there?
And With winter coming, you need to head south, or else you’ll freeze. What do you do?
A. Grab my topo maps for cross-reference and take the backest backroads in the history of roads being back.
B. Follow the migrating birds and enjoy eggs for breakfast each morning.
C. Build one of those balloon-chairs so I can drift to Mexico.
D. Which way is south?
Results
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY A:
You are so self-reliant, you probably wrote this quiz instead of taking it.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY B:
You have well-honed self-reliance, plus a strong, chiseled jaw that will serve you well in the apocalypse.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY C:
You depend on avoiding problems rather than solving them and might have a chance if you can hide from every person you encounter for the rest of your life.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY D:
Oh, you’ll be fine! Don’t worry so much.
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