When I mention that my parents hardly knew each other when they were wed, and that my grandparents were the ones that decided on their union, I usually get stares of disbelief and sometimes, horror.
Someone will inevitably say, “I can’t believe that still happens! I could never do that. My parents could never choose the person that I marry.”
Sometimes it comes off as condescending but it’s important to remember that a lot of people have never heard of the practice outside of storybooks, movies, and sometimes, school. It seems that consequently, many find it hard to believe that arranged marriages don’t involve the dramatic, forced marriage of an unwilling woman to an unwilling man, angry fathers with rigid traditions and crying mothers who beg their children to follow status quo.
All of this paints an interesting story, but it’s hardly the reality of the situation.
The way my mom tells it, she always knew that she was going to get an arranged marriage like her two siblings before her. She wasn’t against it at all; in fact, she was ambivalent about marriage and claimed that she’d marry the first person her parents deemed worthy.
My father learned about my mother through a friend and told his parents about her; they proceeded to arrange a meeting between the two families. After they had decided that they liked each other, the wedding date was set. Within a few months, they were married.
This is where all of the horror and shock comes in. “But didn’t your parents love each other?”
Yes, my parents love each other. My brother and I are proof of that fact. Did they have a whirlwind romance before getting married? No.
They didn’t go to dances and take long walks on the beach or trade kisses on a pier, and I’m pretty sure that both of them would react with disgust if I suggested any of these ideas to them. There’s a huge divide between Western and Eastern culture, especially when it comes to love and romance.
Here in the US, long periods of dating and falling in love are prioritized. I don’t want to make a blanket statement about all of south Asia, but the way that I was brought up teaches me to learn to love my partner. It teaches me that marriage requires sacrifices on both ends, but those sacrifices make the relationship stronger.
I think that marriage, regardless of whether it was borne of romance or arranged, is built on a basis of mutual respect and compromise. Many people seem to forget that.
Also, the perceptions of arranged marriage held by people in the USA tends to be prehistoric in assuming that the bride and groom only see each other on the day of the wedding and have no contact beforehand. While this may be true in rural parts of the country, most arranged marriages in India start out like a blind date set up by your parents.
There’s extensive relationship building on both ends and since both parties have the end result of marriage in mind, conversation revolves around plans for the future and compatibility issues. The couple gets to know each other and decide for themselves whether they’d like to go through with the marriage; if not, the issue is dropped and everyone moves on with their lives. When I was young, I was taught that marriages aren’t between two people—they’re between two families. I think that a lot of Indian families hold this ideal as well.
I’ve found that Asian millennials tend to denounce arranged marriage because they’ve grown up in a world where dating and falling in love is the norm, and that’s totally fine. There is no set way that people should find a partner if they so desire one. In that same vein of thought, it’s incredibly unfair to criticize someone for choosing an arranged marriage over a love marriage or vice-versa.
For me, arranged marriage has always been the default option. I’m not going to avoid romance if it happens to wander into my life, but as I’ve grown, I’ve found that the idea of falling in love doesn’t appeal to me. I’m nineteen, twenty this May, and I’ve never had anything close to a boyfriend.
I’ll admit that it bothered me once upon a time, especially since romance is so ingrained in American youth, as is the practice of dating, but I’m not interested in having a casual relationship—and I’m certainly not interested in a serious one either. In fact, I don’t think that I’d recognize flirting if it hit me in the face, and I’m okay with that. For me, a relationship leads to marriage… and I’m not going to be ready for marriage for a while.
When it does happen, though I want my family to have input in the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with; I trust that my parents know me better than I know myself, and objective opinions, especially in such important matters, are essential to making a good choice.
Preserving my culture and traditions is important for me too, and I know that my parents will choose someone with the same values as I was raised with. Again, I have control over what happens with my life; I’m not going to be dragged into a union that I don’t consent to. If I don’t like the person that they choose, we’ll just keep searching until the right one shows up.
Here’s the thing: arranged marriages are clearly not for everyone, but the choice to have an arranged marriage is up to the person involved—and no one else. Yes, I want an arranged marriage. No, I’m not going to be forced into one if I change my mind. No, my parents won’t disown me if I don’t get an arranged marriage. It’s tiring to have to deal with unwanted pity from a well-meaning source or to be treated with derision for my preference for the efficiency of arranged marriage over a Disney romance.
But, as I mentioned before, my belief is that people are inherently good and they don’t mean to offend. I’m not easily offended either, though after years of having to justify my beliefs, I’ve found myself trying to simply avoid the topic—but that means there isn’t anyone correcting the misconceptions of arranged marriage.
So here I am, writing this article. I don’t mean to sound preachy or complain, and only mean to correct misinformation. While there are anomalies to the pattern of arranged marriage—there are people who are forced into it, there are people who don’t consent and still get stuck in an unwanted relationship—the majority of us have chosen this for ourselves. It’s not like love marriages have perfect, fairytale endings, after all. Still, you have people practicing them all over the world.
In the end, what matters most is to find someone that you can get along with and settle into a relationship that leaves you comfortable and happy. It’s not passion that cements a marriage; not the butterflies in the stomach or the woozy feeling of infatuation or any of that stuff, but the knowledge that your partner, whoever they may be, has your best interests at heart and an intrinsic loyalty. That your relationship is built on top of trust and care for each other. The most important thing is to cherish each other and keep that sincerity intact.
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