Death is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Nobody really knows why it happens, when it will happen or what happens afterwards. We just know that it’s a part of life.
My first encounter with death was my grandma, Grandma Lyons. Both of my grandmass nurtured my love of literature and learning. But I wasn’t close to Grandma Lyons and only seven so I really didn’t understand. I just remember that a little bit after her death Boyz II Men came out with “Song for Mama” and the radio station was always changed when my dad was in the car.
But six years later, I encountered death again; this time it was my dad. I was 13 and a freshman in high school; I was completely unprepared for this event and had no clue how to deal with it.
Still, I vividly remember having a conversation with a friend I’d known since 1st grade. She said she was “sorry” my dad had died and I got really upset. Her sorry was NOT going to bring my dad back. She was offended but I wasn’t sure how to explain what I was feeling.
It was in that moment that I changed.
Now looking back, I can articulate how much it hurts that he’s gone, how much I wish I could get one more day with him. I can articulate, through tears, how I’ve forgotten what his voice sounds like.
With my own personal understanding and experiences with death I feel like I should be better equipped to help other people navigate through their grief.
But,I am not.
I don’t think I ever will be and I think that is okay.
But I’ve come to understand that we will always long for the people who death has taken away from us. I’ve also learned that most people don’t know what to say or do and they depend on social scripts to get through those moments. For me, depending on social scripts is a “cop-out” so I try not to use them. I try to comfort the person from the depths of my heart; understanding that although each relationship is different some of the pain remains the same.
As a result, I won’t ever tell anybody that I’m sorry their loved one died. My sorry won’t bring them back.
I won’t ever tell anybody false promises of “it will be okay”. It will NEVER be okay that my dad didn’t see me graduate from high school or college. It will NEVER be okay that he didn’t meet his grandchildren or great-grandchildren. It will NEVER be okay that on the days the world is too stressful and all I want is my daddy to tell me he has got my back there is nobody there.
I won’t ever tell anybody if they need “anything” to call me. They can call me if they need something, especially in the time directly after. Since I am a writer, I’ve been asked or have needed to write quite a few obituaries, which I am always happy to do.
But…I will tell them I will call them. I know that as time goes by others are less likely to call. However, I want to be that friend who calls my loved ones every year to let them know I care.
I will tell them they will be able to learn how to live their life without that person.
I will tell them that I’m always there for them and mean it.
[Current Song: Promises by Jhene Aiko]
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