Recovery was something that I never experienced while I was in treatment.
I didn’t understand what recovery was and I knew there was no straightforward answer. It wasn’t until my eating disorder was coming to an end that I learned that recovery was something that I had to want as well as something that I had to work for.
Trigger warning: Descriptions of eating disordered behavior.
I hit a point in treatment where I began to feel sick of being sick and I was done with my eating disorder. I went into my psychologist’s office one day and relinquished all control ED had over me. To this day I still talk about this meeting and how it changed everything because after I told her to take ED away she told me she was leaving the program. Everything came crashing down around me and I began to cry, hard. It felt like the end of something that didn’t feel over. By this point we had been working together for almost two years and she was the only person I trusted. I couldn’t and I didn’t want to start over with someone else.
I went home that night and had a long discussion with my mom about next steps. My eating disorder was finally becoming silenced and we both knew this was because of the relationship I had with my psychologist. I made the decision to leave treatment and continue working with her outside of the program. The next day I went into her office and we made plans to close my file. I refer to this day as the day my recovery started.
Recovery became a lot easier after I left the program. All of the appointments and groups I used to fill my time with were gone. I had to begin to find other things to do to keep me occupied and I was starting to find what made me happy. This was where my passion for music really blossomed.
I had always loved music and was able to sing from a young age, but that voice in my head had me convinced I was no good. I joined a performing arts group and it was here where my confidence began to grow. For the first time, I was telling myself to be proud of this talent and so I sat at the front of my section and I even tried out for solos. Overcoming this fear proved to me that having control over my own life felt really good…
To continue reading the rest of this story from our partner, Proud2BMe, click here.
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