I’m named after Actor River Phoenix who used his platform to speak out on things that are important to him. I guess you can say I model my career after him. I speak out about my mental health and body image issues because others like myself have not.
When he was 17 and looking for help for my eating disorder, his Google searches all came back with stories from women. I felt like an alien, like I was alone. I literally felt like I was the only person on this planet who suffered from the issues that I did. It’s so taboo to talk about, and it shouldn’t be!
Not many people pegged me as the model or actor type. Especially not at 14, when I began driving back and forth to Los Angeles with my mom. People didn’t believe me when I’d say that I lined up auditions because they didn’t believe anyone in Hollywood would hire the “fat kid”. I’ve always been different personality wise so I stick out…I did even more so for my weight when I was younger. I was always the been heavy kid.
My eating disorder wasn’t just about looking a certain way or fitting in.
In fact, it started as a way for to bring some form of order to his life. I was a freshman in High School when my parents divorced. I’m the youngest of four boys, so all of my brother had their own families, lives, homes when my parents divorced but I was caught in the middle. I felt like everything in my life was out of my control except what, when and how I ate. It started out innocently, I began exercising and eating healthy. I remember losing around 40 pounds the summer before my junior year and once I started getting compliments and attention for the way I looked…it became my obsession. I wouldn’t eat, I exercised three or four times a day. I started taking diet pills. Before I knew it, I had lost another 50 pounds.
When I’d slip up or not stick to my regimen…I’d self harm as a form of punishment. That’s stuck with me ever since. It was my way of feeling something when I felt numb. Before I knew it, my appearance became my whole life! I began having heart palpitation and losing my hair. When my friends and family noticed something wrong, they assumed it was drugs.
But I never argued the point. It was easier than explaining the truth….that I was a boy with an eating disorder, body image issues and suffering severely from depression and anxiety. Luckily the stigma is starting to change slowly but surely. More men are coming forward with their stories of recovery. I went people to know that it’s okay to not be okay, there are resources and they’re not alone.
I try to teach the importance of self-care and self-love rather than seeking acceptance and approval from the outside world! It’s why I speak out on a variety of other issues as well including bullying and teen suicide. I work with groups like Love is Louder, My Life My Power, Proud2BMe, NEDA, Men Get Eating Disorders Too UK and The River Phoenix Center for Peace Building. It’s amazing how many people I’ve been able to help…it’s truly an honor. I feel that it’s my moral obligation to do something like this. My goal is to continue on the path of helping others, inspiring and opening peoples’ eyes. I also want to continue to break down society’s stereotypes.
Life is too short to not be who you are!
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