Over the past year, I have been struggling with my faith.
I found myself at a crossroad in church and in my spiritual life. I woke up one day and decided to stop going to church. It wasn’t because I didn’t have faith in God. It was because I just wasn’t getting fed anymore. I was at church twice a week for dance ministry and choir rehearsals. I was a praise dancer and danced for my church’s three services on Sundays. Sometimes just two services if I was too tired. Not to mention I also served on a committee. I was burning out. I would leave work and go straight to church. If there were special events, I attended those as well.
Some people may think that’s not even a lot to do, but trust me it was draining. Not everyone practices what he or she preaches and that can be a turn off. I began to just feel overwhelmed and I needed a break. I started to feel disconnected from God and church was just something “I went to on Sundays.” I couldn’t figure out the right way to break from the church without people judging me.
Eventually, I took a step back from everything. I thought I needed to get my mind right. I felt I was just attending church because I had to. I was not going because I wanted to. I was distracted. I could not focus on my relationship with God and something was missing. I thought God would be upset with me for leaving but I just prayed about it.
People will make you feel like you have to go to church and you have to pay tithes and will judge you if you think differently. But God loves everyone.
Irving: “I have found that God’s love isn’t explainable.”(iStockphoto/ Thinkstock)
Even the people who do not have enough money give to the church… even the people who are poor and sell flowers on the street for food. You should never be judged for not attending church. I needed to find my spiritual peace again. We focus so much on other people’s personal relationship with God; we forget that it’s our own we need to be thinking about. I had to seek a way to shut everyone out and focus on God and me. But how could I tap into my inner peace and feel God’s presence?
Over the past three months, I have been trying to get closer to God without attending church. I must say that I pray more, and I have an urge to not let Him down. I feel like God is watching my every move and just wants to me to know He is there.
I found a place where I can just let it all out and pray with no distractions. After a long day, I light candles in the bathroom and take a candlelit shower. As the water runs over my body, I open my hands with palms facing up, close my eyes and pray. I have one song that helps make the connection, “In” by William McDowell. It takes me to a place of total serenity and peace. I put the song on repeat and I go in. Sometimes, well, most times I cry.
Just to let it all out and really express how I feel. Recently, I cried very hard because I realized how much God really loves me and everyone else. I could feel His love wrapping around me and I must say that is one of the best feelings in the world; to have genuine love surround you and empower you. I also found a lake by my apartment that is peaceful. Water is my connection to God. I feel open and free when I’m in the shower or sitting by the lake.
IT’S GETS EVEN MORE PERSONAL
I now understand what it means to have a personal relationship with God. Something that does not need to be broadcasted just for show… something more intimate and genuine. I look outside into the sky and say “Wow. God you really make all of this.” If you just look around yourself you will see and understand how beautiful life can be if you just believe.
This world is corrupt. But as believers we are supposed to see the evil in the world and help make it better. Just a simple smile at someone could change his or her perspective of the world. I want people to know that God loves us all. I want people to understand that no matter what you did, no matter where you are, you are never alone. God is with you.
Man might not be by your side, but God is. I am now working on trying to understand and know God. I know he is there and we have a connection but I want to dig deeper. I know his power, but do I know the power he gives me? Am I using the power he is giving me? These are questions only I can answer. I encourage everyone to find the place or places where you can tap into God and really pray. Your prayers matter and you don’t want them to be in vain, but instead, from the heart and genuine.
I plan to attend a church service really soon. I just needed time to make sure I understood my relationship with God. It is really beautiful. Peace. Love. Encourage.
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