One day before a class in college, I went to the bathroom and found that somebody had written, “It gets better,” on one of the stalls.
I found myself purposely going to the bathroom before tests and hard classes to draw strength from that message. Eventually, I took a picture of it since I found myself in situations where that bathroom wasn’t accessible but I needed that picture. Thankfully, I recently found that picture and it gave me hope.
I’m a 23-year-old, African-American female from an urban community who identifies as a Christian. I suffer from depression and self-harm.
The first time I remember feeling “different” was in 7th grade. I remember listening to Eminem’s album The Eminem Show constantly. I identified with many of the songs on an emotional level. Eventually, I felt more and more detached from my classmates. I had a few friends, three of whom are more like family than friends now but they never knew how I felt. I wasn’t even sure how I felt. I couldn’t comprehend the anger and the despair I felt. But who I identified as, a Black Christian, meant there wasn’t anybody to speak to about what I was feeling either.
I was an avid viewer of the show, 7th Heaven, at the time however. I remember one episode in which one of Lucy Camden’s friends was a self-harmer. I tried it but didn’t like the lies I had to tell to cover it up. I still have the scars (and many more now). It was in 9th grade, when what felt like tragedy struck.
The person behind my anger and despair, my dad, passed away. For the first two months, I was numb. The next two months, I tried almost everything to help myself through the grief. Nothing seemed to work.
I don’t remember when it was that I realized that by taking a razor to my skin, I could find some sort of relief.
I knew that I should get some therapy, but with my family I was sure I would meet with resistance and I just wasn’t ready. During my first year of college when a friend suggested that I try therapy, I felt ready and gave it a try. I went to my schools psychology center and set up a few appointments. Quickly, I realized that I didn’t like the psychologist. Later, at the advice of one of my mentors I went back. I stopped going when I realized that I didn’t like that psychologist either.
With the help of my friends and online resources, I had learned to manage my depression and self-harm.I know that self-harm doesn’t fix the problem or even make the depression go away. I know that I still have a long way to go. I haven’t given up the idea of therapy yet; I like the idea of “knowing” there is something wrong with me and that there is something I can do to help myself.
Since my grandmother passed about three months ago, I struggle even harder. I worry about myself as the holidays approach, knowing that’s when depression can strike harder. Still, I know that I’m not “broken” and I don’t have to be “fixed.”
I’m just me.
There are many reasons behind depression and self-harm. Some like myself have had a traumatic experience. Others have been victims of abuse and still others have a genetic predisposition to it. Many more seemingly have no reason to be/feel depressed. But through my journey, I’ve discovered 10 tips to help keep the depression at bay.
10 TIPS TO KEEP DEPRESSION AT BAY
1. Sweeten your self-talk. The hardest lesson, I’ve had to learn is to talk nice to myself. As children, we are taught to be nice to others and treat them how you would like to be treated. But you can’t forget to be nice to yourself too. There are many ways to sweeten your self-talk, for some it’s saying an affirmation, others it’s a quote. You just have to find what works for you and use it.
2.Take care of yourself first. Some people are natural caretakers, some people have trouble telling other people “no” but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of somebody else. Even if you enjoy taking care of others, you can only be responsible for yourself.
3. Be careful of self-medicating. Self-medicating comes in many forms. Some drink alcohol, some abuse drugs, some self-harm and/or other things. If you drink socially or need to take a prescription pill, ensure that you aren’t doing it as a way to self-medicate. Once you realize you are self-medicating, you will be able to spot the times in which you feel the need to do so and redirect yourself to another activity.
4. Admit it is okay to feel how you feel. If you are experiencing depression because of a traumatic life event, that’s okay. It is a normal reaction. If you normally suffer from depression, and feel even more depressed after a traumatic life event, that’s okay too. If there seems to be no reason for your depression, that’s okay too. There doesn’t need to be a reason behind your feelings.
5. Utilize your friends. It’s easy to close yourself off when you feel depressed. It might be hard to get out of bed sometimes, or do activities you find enjoyable. But when you feel that way, allow your friends to help you. Allow one or two of your close friends to provide you support; whether it is a conversation, or getting you out of your house.
6. Take mental health days. Mental health days allow for you to take care of yourself mentally. Take the day off from work, do an activity that you enjoy but never have time for, rent a hotel room and stay there instead of your apartment or house, go to the gym and take your time with your workout. Take the time away from your routine to recharge your batteries and revive your spirit.
7. Seek professional help, but realize it isn’t going to “fix” you. Having someone to talk to, that is impartial and trained to deal with the nuances depression, self-harm or any other mental issue is important. They can recognize and help you discover things about yourself. They can give you tools to help you manage your depression and stop self-harming. But they can’t “fix” you. YOU have to put in the work. Finding a therapist that fits you is important; you are going to be discussing parts of yourself that can be uncomfortable so you need to be comfortable with that person. It might take a while to find one you like, I still haven’t, but nobody says you have to stay with one therapist. You wouldn’t buy the first car you test drive, the first shirt you try on, or the first pair of shoes you see; same concept is true for a therapist. The first one might not fit, keep trying until you find one that is best for you.
8. Realize you are NOT broken. Nobody is perfect and just because you struggle with depression, self-harm or something else does not mean you a broken. You do not need to be fixed. There isn’t a standard solution to your problem.
9. Don’t neglect your spirituality. Whatever religion you affiliate yourself with, whatever you believe in, don’t neglect that side of you. It is hard to believe in a higher power when you are depressed and self-harming. Still, your belief in a higher power can give you a sense of hope and peace.
10. Own your depression, self-harm or something else. You are more than your depression, you are more than your self-harm, but it is still apart of you. Own it, don’t let it own you.
Writing this has been cathartic for me. I am admitting my short-comings, hoping that it will help somebody else. I purposely avoiding using the term “mental illness”; I feel as if the term doesn’t give justice to the people who deal with these issues on a daily basis. I encourage anybody that is experiencing depression, self-harm or something similar to seek help.
If you feel that you are in danger, there are resources you can utilize. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the U.S. at 1-800-273-8255 or 911.
[Current Song: Stan by Eminem ft. Dido]
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