An old friend has been trying to pay me a visit for a couple of weeks now.
I’ve been dodging the calls and face-to-face interaction. This friend even follows me in the grocery store. I shop faster, hiding in different isles to avoid being seen. I get sick to my stomach to think of hearing the words “You missed me?” I am not trying to go back down that road. We were together for what seemed like eternity. In real time it was two years, which was entirely too long for my liking. But, I couldn’t let it go.
Our relationship was an odd one indeed. I was caught off guard and fell really hard in deep emotion. Everything happened so fast I had no time to think. We slept together every night, went out on dates, walked to class together, ate together, I mean we did everything together. It was almost like we were joined at the hip! I felt comfortable but sad at times. It was almost as if I was settling.
I wondered what my life would be like if we weren’t together. But the feelings were genuine and the relationship was all I had. It felt like I was shut out from the world because I was so wrapped into the emotion that forced us together. I would even skip a few classes to go out on dates and as a result, my grades began to fall. I actually lost my job because I was so unfocused and always late. However, I did not care because of how I felt when we were together.
But then my friends became distant. My mom even began to worry that something was wrong. I assured her that I was just fine. My mentors noticed I stopped attending meetings and barely responded to emails. I was just out of it. I talked to my therapist about my new behavior but I still didn’t see how to fix it. She would give me suggestions and I would tell her that I was going to work on it. However, I didn’t.
By next session, I was breaking down in tears asking her to help me find a way out. After I cried, I thought I felt better. Every week I had an appointment and after each I felt like I could make my relationship better. But the cycle continued.
To escape the realities of the world, we spent a lot of time watching movies. We spent more time cuddled in the bed, keeping each other warm than actually going to the theater, it was so much more intimate. We would spend all day in the bed. Body heat is so warm and soothing. That was all I wanted to do. I never wanted to go to class or be around anyone else. But I wasn’t really happy. It was just an emotion I felt and I couldn’t leave because it embraced me. I knew the relationship was taking over my life but I just didn’t know how to end it. When we weren’t together, I would drink. A lot of wine and or liquor. Anything to get away from the reality.
I began to cry at night.
Every night. I even cried during the day. I would go into the bathroom at my job and cry my eyes out. I wanted to end the relationship and I was hurting as I tried to find a way out. I was extremely sad everyday. My mom began to notice something was wrong but she couldn’t figure it out. I shut her out. I knew what was wrong. I needed to escape. I was falling deeper and deeper.
One day, I drove around a neighborhood in Michigan and I looked out on the lake… and then, it all hit me. I had to pull over as the tears began to roll down my face. That was when I realized the relationship had to end or I would either kill myself or run away so far from Michigan and start a new life alone.
My friend’s name is Depression. It consumed me. Took over my life. Broke me down. I cried everyday in hopes of feeling better after the tears were dry. For two years I spent everyday suffering. People could not tell that it was depression, however, they knew something or someone was taking a toll on my life.
At times, I hide it very well – looking as though I was having the time of my life. I even felt like I was in a relationship because it went everywhere with me. It was next to me when I went to sleep. It was on my plate as I ate. Movies were the only thing that helped me attempt to escape. I would be in the moment enjoying the movie and then out of no where there it was. Right next to me, saying “Thought you could really leave me, huh?” In every movie something triggered my deep emotion and I would cry. I even cried on the new version of The Karate Kid within the first 2 minutes.
Depression causes us to fall deeply into an emotion that is dark and unhappy. Time is wasted being sad and frustrated. You can’t seem to find a way out until you hit the darkest place and have to make a choice. Either to let it defeat you or to escape from it. Escaping is most certainly an option. There is always a light at the end of every tunnel. Just make sure it is not the lights on a train.
I refuse to let this old friend come back.
I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that this friend is to never return in my life. The dangerously sad life is not what were are supposed to live. There is so much more to life. If you are depressed, I pray that you seek help and really try to understand that there is a way out. You have to be willing to find it.
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