Father’s Day has always been a difficult day for me.
Now that I’m older, I have realized how fortunate I was when Father’s Day was outside of the school calendar as I was growing up. I didn’t have to deal with the awkward shame or embarrassment of my absentee father. I remember one occasion when the day was during the school year and I was about five or six. However, outside of that, it never occurred.
In fact, it wasn’t until I was in middle school that I fully realized how absent my father was.
I have never spent a Father’s Day with my dad. His timing always fell outside of that range. As a result, this day has always held an odd air for me.
Since, my father died, the day has taken a new meaning. It’s been a difficult transition into understanding my lack of relationship with my father and how it has gotten so significantly worse.
(Photo: BlueOrange, iStockphoto/ Thinkstock)
There is no way for me to get answers that it seems I desperately need to heal my broken heart. The scars run so deeply that it is painful for me each time my therapist directs the conversation to this topic. A lot of my time is spent being angry that I was unable to glean all of the information from my dad that I could have. Both, because of his absenteeism and his death. And I can’t lie to myself any longer, I’m jealous of those who have had time with their fathers that I have never been able to have with mine.
I still wish I had one more day with my father to talk with him… to ask him questions that only he could answer… to receive one more hug and kiss. I still wish he was able to meet his great-grandchildren and grandchildren. I still wish he was able to watch me graduate from high school and college. I still wish he was there to walk me down the aisle one day.
Despite my absentee father and his death, I still do not say Happy Father’s Day to my mother.
Long ago I realized, my mother could only teach me how to be a lady. If I do say so myself, she’s done an awesome job. But I still miss all of the lessons my father could have taught me; my mom cannot replace those.
Still, I think it’s disrespectful to attempt to celebrate women on this day.
Biologically, it takes a man and a woman who can have child. That child does not ask to be born or select their parents. Whatever has occurred in the relationship between those two specific people shouldn’t affect their child. But that’s not the world we live in; it’s not our reality.
That does not mean, that women should be celebrated on Father’s Day. Celebrate your mother on Mother’s Day or any day you choose, especially since single fathers don’t attempt to be celebrated on that day.
Regardless, having a day set aside to celebrate mothers, fathers and/or grandparents are problematic. It ignores the people who don’t have a parent for whatever reason or who have lost parents. And it’s a difficult day for people in those situations. It shouldn’t necessarily have to be that difficult, but it can be. It might also be problematic for those who have step parents or adopted parents.
Personally, I don’t visit the cemetery on Father’s Day. I’m not interested in multiple people seeing my expressions of grief and hurt. I’m not so hurt that I avoid church – even though I am usually very uncomfortable. Instead, I send text messages to my friends and brothers who are fathers. Also, I give a call or text to my friends whose father is no longer in their life, especially if death is the cause.
Being honest, I can’t wait until the day I celebrate Father’s Day with my husband and our children.
Until then, I hope people realize that regardless of the role a father plays in their child’s life, it is something that can’t be replaced by a mother no matter how she tries or how wonderful she is.
[Current Song: Dance with my Father by Luther Vandross]
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