I realized that 2017 was a great year because everyone around me drove me to drink. I know it sounds strange but I was depressed and dealing with my PTSD but every time I thought I was overcoming it, someone pointed out a flaw in me and it drove me to mask my sadness. As sad as it sounds I started drinking each time someone said I got an attitude or anger issues.
In fact I wanted to drink any time someone said they were trying to help me. Hearing the words I’m here to help you or you drink too much cause I have tons of alcohol in my home made me want to drink. I slowly became my worst nightmare. I was an alcoholic with no hope for recovery.
The more I tried to mask it, I more I wanted to drink. Even if I wasn’t drinking I was thinking about drinking. Every concert, sporting event, date night, or family function made me want to drink. It was to a point where I was at work just wanting to get off to drink.
My girlfriend at the time even made me feel worse about myself and it wasn’t her fault because she didn’t know. I hit a wall of hopelessness where I would literally come home thinking should I drink or die. In fact it was moments where I wanted to just party to avoid going home or I wanted to just go to sleep to avoid communicating my feelings.
It wasn’t until January 2, 2018 that I realized drinking nor dying were no longer options. It was on that morning I met death head on and by the grace of God I write this story. I wasn’t drinking but thoughts of going to work to get off and drinking were in my head.
However I never made it to work in St. Paul, Minnesota that morning due to a head on collision accident that should have left my vehicle totaled and perhaps me dead. I never made it work for another month and half in St. Paul. I was disagnosed with a concussion and I was at a point where I faced reality that no one was driving me to drink.
I was driving myself to drink because I was still ashamed of accepting me. I was embarrassed to accept that I had PTSD and I needed help. I was hurting to admit I was depressed and better yet to admit I wished I was dead.
I was seeking acceptance rather seeking help. I admitted to myself on January 2 that no more beating myself I have to accept I live with PTSD and I might live with it forever. However I don’t have go and I won’t live with depression, anxiety, anger problems, or suicidal ideations any longer. In fact I accepted I got superpowers and I’m a superhero so I will save others.
No one drove me to drink and no one drove me to accept I’m a SUPERHERO but me. Therefore know that you are not alone in your battle to overcome any mental health illness. Share your story and help someone heal.
I’m not healed but im healing every day I can share my story with others and I can save someone else. Don’t go through the struggles of life and living with mental illness by yourself know you got someone like me willing to help.
Don’t be shamed but be encouraged!
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