I am an angry person.
Friends – even close friends – who know me might argue the bitter opposite until their faces turn blue in disagreement. But, you know what they say – the only person that truly knows you best is yourself. In this scenario, I avidly raise my hand in concordance.
I came to this conclusion somewhat recently – okay, like yesterday (although it is something I have suspected for a while but just decided to wallow in denial until it got really bad, nbd). Lately, I have been struggling with some rather uncomfortable misfortune, all of which I have recognized is a direct karmic reflection of previous incidents and negative thought patterns (musings on my Buddhist practice coming soon!).
I broke my pinky toe (long story), have been insufferably broke, and have just generally lacked the mental capacity or focus to complete things I know I REALLY need to get done. On top of that, I regularly deal with issues of self-doubt and insecurity, which sometimes plague my interactions with others and my willingness to open up about what’s really bothering me.
With all that being said, I began to realize that I was angry. Irritable.
Snappy at anyone who asked me what the time was, which way was the 10 freeway, bitter towards my mom for asking what was wrong, thirsty for reassurance and attention, and just an overall, general mess. Today, I am doing some heavy reflecting and I realize that the resulting afflictions of sadness, depression and irritability have all been closely tied with the anger brewing hot within me – anger cultivated by letting situations (i.e. my toe, being broke), get the best of me and turn me into a truly lesser version of myself.
Anger is a frequently misunderstood emotion. Many people consider anger to be expressed in a sort of contrived fashion, with flailing fists, loud outbursts, and general rowdiness and disruption.
While anger certainly manifests itself in this form, such examples can seem a bit ‘textbook.’ Anger is not always loud, boastful or violent. Sometimes, it is soft and insidious, patting us on the back in a falsely lulling setting, only to rear its head within personal relationship conflicts and self-deprecating tones.
The American Psychological Association defines anger as an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to intense fury and rage. Given this description, it is understandable that many of us may not even realize we’re experiencing anger until it bottles up and is released in unhealthy, unproductive ways.
However, the good thing about anger is that it CAN be a productive emotion. Using it to fuel our passion for something we love can make our actions more intentional, deliberate, and purposeful. I’m using my anger to write this blog post and also to prepare myself for future encounters with anger, so that I can learn more about myself and know what causes it.
After all, most negative or less than healthy experiences and feelings can be turned into something for the greater good. I’m looking forward to delving deeper within my own self in order to develop more mature and enlightened understandings of my feelings, so that I can work with anger – not against it.
Certainly anger is powerful, but don’t forget, we do have the power to overcome it.
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