“I don’t want to ask for help, because I don’t want to be dependent on others.”
I hear this a lot in the conversations I’ve had with my peers about not feeling independent. It feels like a consistent Millennial conundrum.
Due to the recurring nature of the topic, it’s caused me to reflect on my life and the people that have helped me achieve the modicum of success I’ve experienced thus far. I’ve also pondered on how the people we look up to overcame their challenges. After some introspection, suddenly it hit me. We’ve been lied to.
“The isolationist attitude we have towards independence is largely a Hollywood production. “
A young Indiana Jones contemplating how many gun-slinging broken-english speaking foreign caricatures he’s going to slaughter with a whip, a trusty hat, and some good old fashioned American gumption.
This is a complete fabrication. Rugged explorers conquering jungles all alone, self-made millionaires who built an empire without any support, brilliant super sleuths that get a hunch in just the nick of time, a romantic beau that knows everything the object of his affection desires before she’s ever even uttered a word. These people do not exist. They discount the very nature of the human experience. We need to reexamine our ideas about independence and cut ourselves some slack. The real greats are surrounded by people. That’s the actual secret.
The Self Made Man / Woman
This is a term I hate. I’ve written about it several times before, but lately, it’s become offensive in a special way. It is interwoven at the core of one of our American ideals. It drives ethos that shapes our American Exceptionalism complex. It’s a mantra that drives the fear of vulnerability and creates a barrier to connection. Why?
Because we believe the greats do it alone and everyone in America wants to be great.
Pump your breaks big fella. Sorry to inform you, it’s not true. Most of the greats are leaders. Have you ever asked yourself who they’re leading? That’s right. Others. Those people are supporting them every step of the way. Most have a confidant. A lover, an advisor, a counselor. They have others. Humans are social animals. We lack the extreme strength, fangs, talons, gills, wings, and fur of many of our natural competitors. We don’t have any of the natural adaptions that so many other animals have used to adjust to life here on earth.
“So what do we have that makes us special? Each other.”
Except Dwayne Johnson, he seems to have evolved muscles that protect his muscles from his other muscles.
We have societies and language. We have the ability to pass on knowledge from generation to generation. We build on the innovations of the past and, as best we can, we learn from the mistakes. Even someone that is lost at sea all alone carriers the experience of generations behind them.
Friends, how many of us have them.
Let’s cut to the chase. You will fail. I don’t know how or when, but it will happen. This is the very nature of being alive. To me, it doesn’t seem like the people who are most successful make fewer mistakes than others. Quite the opposite, they seem to make more. So what gives? People in the entrepreneurial space often talk about “failing fast and failing often.” In many ways, this is from a position of privilege. Many of us can’t afford to fail at different businesses over and over again.
No “oopsy daisy, I just lost another million bucks” for a poor family.
Welp, my mobile app platform that allows puppies to kitties didn’t workout. Gonna need to ask my folks for another 20 million bucks.
But it’s an interesting exploration of cycles of wealth and poverty. What does it require to recover from a major loss? A particular network.
Friendships are foundational to the human experience. When we transitioned from nomadic to rooted communities and began to build farms, in order to feed our growing populations, contribution to the whole became essential. Everybody didn’t have to do everything. But everyone certainly had to do something. For those that couldn’t, they benefited from the fact that collective output is often greater than the sum of its parts. Communities are advantageous because of this. Our friends are buffers against the elements. When we find ourselves in compromising positions, the village can support our dip in capacity.
What’s all that mean? We were built to help and be helped.
True Independence
The really successful people I know understand a lot about investment. Not just financially, but socially. They remember peoples names and important events. They send thank you cards and kind messages. They attend social functions and throw parties. But why? How is that a productive use of anyone’s time? They know what no one tells poor and middle class folks. “No new friends is an awful life plan.” Networks are the key to success. The higher you climb, the further you fall. But a solid network can be an incredible safety net. We always hear stories of bankruptcies and spectacular business failures. But we never ask about the recovery. Research shows that most American families are just a missed paycheck away from homelessness, but we’ve seen successful entrepreneurs lose entire businesses and spring back.
“Support is the return on investment from building quality relationships.”
A truly independent person understands how to invest in relationships. They know when to ask for help. They know when to give help. In the footnotes of history, we don’t always remember the mentors, customers, and ‘person that took a chance on a scrappy young upstart.’ We certainly don’t write full pages on the friend that paid a couple months rent or the girlfriend that covered meals when times were rough. But those are the things that make independence possible. They also happen to be the ’behind the scenes’ to success.
I’ve learned that isolation doesn’t equal independence, but friendship does.
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Eric Thomas is a Branding Specialist and Senior Partner at Saga MKTG based in Detroit MI. He’s also an entrepreneur who never believes “the way it has been done” is the “way it must be done.”
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