For the past six months, something strange has happened to me in the middle of the night.
For roughly four nights out of each week, I am awakened between the hours of 3 a.m and 5 a.m. Most nights, I wake at different times, although some nights I have seen the same time over and over. I ask myself, “What in the world am I supposed to be doing this late?” I force myself back to sleep every time because I do not want to be awake. During the day, I feel like something is missing. I drag through each day trying to figure out ways to stay awake and fill what I am missing.
Some nights I wake up startled as if I heard a big boom or if someone broke into my home. My heart pounds in fear. I’m afraid to go back to sleep so I grab my teddy bear and my bible and hug them both close to my heart until I fell asleep. Some nights I wake up naturally as if it were 8am on Saturday morning. Just rise and shine ready to start my day, at 4:04 a.m. Yes, I force myself back to sleep. Sometimes it takes me two hours just to fall back to sleep. I would just toss and turn.
In May 2013, I found this journal for insomnia. The cover reads:
“I CAN’T SLEEP: A journal for passing the time when insomnia strikes and my brain is circling in on itself, cannibalizing the trivialities of the day and exaggerating the ticking of the clock, reminding me that every minute spent awake is another minute closer to when I’ll have to get up, though many of the great artists and sages were insomniac’s and that’s part of how they got so much done, so if I can’t sleep I might as well write and channel my misery into something productive.”
I began to I write down my dreams or whatever is on my mind in that journal. After months of trying to figure out why I couldn’t sleep through the night, I finally had an answer.
One of my best girlfriends and I were talking about realizing your purpose in life and not being stagnant. We discussed recognizing signs and not ignoring them even if they are small.
Jennifer: For six months, I heard the knock every night. I chose to roll over in hopes that whoever it was just came back at a better time.” (Photo: iStockphoto)
When there is a knock on the door late at night, do you get out of bed and look out the peep hole to see who it is? Or do you just roll back over hoping whoever it is just leaves a note on the door or comes back later? If it’s an emergency, then they will keep knocking, right? Right?
For six months, I heard the knock every night. I chose to roll over in hopes that whoever it was just came back at a better time. I should have answered the door the first time six months ago because two months ago my door was kicked down and everything was taken away from me. There was nothing I could do because I was not prepared for the invasion. All I could do was fall to my knees and watch what happened before me.
After talking to my friend about purpose, I read these words, “I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfinished in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” (Revelation 3:1-3, 20)
Knock after knock, God was trying to tell me something. He was asking to come in and spend time with me. He woke me up every night in hopes of me opening the door and inviting him into my home and heart. He sent angels as winds during the day to give me signs and I blocked the wind.
After months of being ignored, he put his foot down and forced me to wake up. He said, “Oh so you are not going to open the door yet again?” He then kicked down my door and stripped me of everything but my soul. Everything either had to go or wait behind him. He wanted to talk with me to tell me to use my gifts before they die. I had many unfinished projects I gave up on. He was giving me another chance because he needed me.
He was the man that rescued me. He never left me and came knocking every night.
God is truly love.
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