Sexual attraction, no matter how we like to tell ourselves otherwise, is the basis of partnered romance. It is, in fact, more proper to say that a relationship has an intellectual component than to say it has a sexual component. Because the structure in which romantic relationships reside is human sexuality. Sex is not a component of romantic love. Sex is the reason for it.
The true moment of recognizing a mate in the “other” occurs well before our human cognitive capacities can absorb and understand the data. A somatic process triggered in the sympathetic nervous system, human sexuality is an ancient drive we can’t seem to quit. It’s why homo sapiens are still here. And it’s why we create lives together, in love. Survival demands union, including sexual union.
Physical intimacy doesn’t always mature to its elevated emotional state – lifelong, coupled intimacy. But when this desired result is achieved, intimacy is the primal bond of love that makes survival in a hostile world possible. Support, warmth, group solidarity, and all the other bonds of families of all kinds make our survival not only possible but triumphantly so. Intimacy is crucial for any happy marriage because intimacy is marriage’s very glue.
Physical Intimacy Matters
It’s easy to settle into sex deserts in marriage and to accept them. Everyone’s busy. Everyone’s tired. And everyone’s got a gazillion things to do. But none of that changes the reason that you live and love together – you are a tandem human experience rooted in sexual attraction and the intimacy that arises with time as a maturation process.
So, physical intimacy matters in your relationship as the root of all the intimacy you share – emotional, physical, sexual, intellectual, and spiritual. Please note that I list physical intimacy as separate from sexual intimacy. Physical intimacy can mean a lot of things. Sexual intimacy is practiced not only for generative (reproductive reasons) but for regenerative reasons (fortifying all other intimacies in the marriage). It is a force of its own, building and maintaining the bond originally formed in sexual attraction.
There are so many ways to re-dedicate your marriage to honoring the sexual attraction between you and one of them is to let your hair down. Try something new. Invite exciting, exotic practices and accessories to your bedroom. But talk about it. Just talking about treading some new sexual territory is a hot and heavy firestarter for the incendiary encounters to come! Be the guardian of that fire. Build and actively attend to sexual intimacy for a deliriously happy marriage. That sacred flame only flickers and dies when it’s neglected. So, don’t do that!
The Comfort Trap
You may be reading this because you’re experiencing an ebb in the sexual content of your current relationship. Or maybe you’re contemplating marriage to someone you’re not that attracted to but who you like, respect, and know will be a stable partner.
One of the most important pieces of information I can pass on to you is this – comfort is not good enough for anyone. Maybe that sounds bourgeois or elitist. We’re supposed to be grateful for any comfort granted us. But when comfort is chosen at the expense of a “real thing” connection that lasts a lifetime, the comfort trap can get in the way of what’s genuinely best for us.
A lasting love that arises from the biological processes behind human pair bonding is real. There is nothing more real than biology when it comes to sexual attraction. Honoring that powerful truth demands that we seek the intimacy so foundational to any happy marriage and avoid the comfort trap at all costs. Comfort demands little or nothing. What is real and true is the often turbulent wonder of life and the love that illuminates it.
Interrogating your tendency to “settle” (because that’s what I’m talking about) is about knowing who you really are. Is a life of passionless comfort good enough for you, when the extravagant gift of genuine attraction and lifelong intimacy is what you truly desire?
You know it’s not! Intimacy is not only crucial for a happy marriage, it’s the achievement of a heart open to giving and receiving the spoils of a sexual attraction that has survived to maturity. And that’s only possible when you and your partner are bold enough to entertain every type of intimacy experienced in marriage, including sexual intimacy that’s heartfelt, restorative, and regenerative.
Get Real
As I’ve tried to convey here, sexual attraction is a physically-driven human reality that we do not control. As humans who may or may not have a good handle on the biological processes involved in sexual attraction, we’d probably say, “The heart has its reasons.” It’s so cinematically romantic! But the truth is that our hormones and sexual triggers have their reasons. While it’s true that your heart may beat a little faster when you see that adored face in a crowd, all it really knows how to do is pump blood!
Intimacy of all kinds is the foundation of a happy marriage that endures, built on the solid ground of sexual attraction that persists and matures. There’s nothing more real than that and nothing more crucial to a happy marriage.
Need A Massage? Learn How To Give One To Yourself And Your Loved Ones
Receiving a massage, whether it’s given by someone else or self-administered, can help loosen your muscles and establish a better connection not only with your body but also with the people you love.
