“Adulting,” a word that is simultaneously hilarious and supremely annoying, is sometimes referred to as millennials’ favorite word. It refers to engaging in behaviors and activities associated with being an adult that indicate self-sufficiency. Its popularity is understandable when you consider the economic challenges that have delayed or disincentivized achievement of the milestones typical of adulthood such as marriage, purchasing a home, and raising children in the newest adult generation. However it is problematic in that it is a very gendered term that women use more often than men, particularly to downplay their own success and self-sufficiency. This millennial reconfiguration of “life lessons” singularly illustrates the unique cultural experiences of people coming of age in our present era, that of delayed maturity and ambivalence toward the expected life paths our elders have previously traveled. Given the economic, environmental, and political uncertainties of our future and the rapid pace of technological change, “adulting” is, in a way, a self-referential expression of the often pointless and humorous attempts to stabilize, control and predict our futures, when we often lack the preparation, access, and resources to be able to sustain ourselves for the long term.
Lesson #1: No. More. “adulting.”
Ditch the word “adulting.” While it is understandable why the word has resonance, it is nearing the end of its shelf life. It has long since been overly commoditized by corporate America for marketing to Millennials in mainstream culture and it is overused. It presents an image of Millennials to other generations that does not inspire confidence and perpetuates sexism. As a generation that is stereotyped as over parented, entitled, anxious, needy, self-absorbed and under-prepared for today’s challenges, it ensures that baby-boomers will continue holding onto the reins of power when every indication is that it is well past time for them to retire. While It was funny for a time, it has ceased to be and is now detrimental to a generation whose time has come. Your generation is going to take over the collective responsibilities of running our society. The adulting meme is simply delaying the inevitable reality that it is time for your generation to foster the collective determination, self-confidence, and a will to innovate and redefine what it means to be an adult for the next era.
Lesson #2: No. More. Debt.
The problem of massive debt definitely did not start with Millennials but I would like to see it end with them. In the 1980s, Americans stopped saving money due in part to the easing of access to credit and loans. We now have three generations saddled with massive debt; Baby Boomers, Generation X/Y, and Millennials. There are significant political and economic reasons for this and we will have to work collectively to make policy changes that make debt less burdensome and also make buying a home, affording an education, healthcare expenses, and retirement more feasible. In the meantime, as individuals, we have to make hard choices about what we really can afford and we have to make a commitment to save some money out of every single paycheck to do the things we want to do, prepare for unexpected emergencies, prepare for retirement, and then learn to cope with the delayed gratification of not getting what we want immediately. Learn to think of your possessions as investments. If they are not going to give something worthwhile back to you in the long term, then perhaps they are not worth the time and money required to purchase them. Consider this philosophy when buying a home. Most people will want to purchase a home precisely because they have made a long term commitment to that property. Purchasing a home warranty is one way to make sure that you have sealed your commitment to that home and ensured a greater return on your investment.
Lesson #3: No. More. Stuff.
One significant lesson that Millennials already appear to be learning that previous generations did not is that accumulating too much “stuff” over the course of one’s life is its own kind of burden. The industrial revolution ushered in Consumer Capitalism. Our global economy manufactured cheap, disposable goods for nearly a century, enabling the middle and lower classes to afford an amount of material possessions that was never possible before in human history. At the height of this consumption boom, we have middle class households with over 300,000 possessions. How do we store, maintain and eventually dispose of all of this stuff? What do we do when the “stuff” falls apart and cannot be recycled or thrown away because there is no landfill space or recycling agent who will take it? How does one let go of Dad’s favorite chair or Mom’s favorite quilt even though they were made in China and have no long term value as antiques? Where do you take your stuff when you have to move and are downsizing? What happens when your children do not want to inherit your stuff and no one wants to buy it either?
We now have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder associated with the “hoarding” of stuff, proving that overt attachment to and overidentification with material objects produces emotional burdens and pathologies unhealthy for the average person. Then there is the environmental burden of managing all of this stuff produced in the last century when all of its owners are dead and gone. Hence we have the movement of reclaiming and repurposing materials, the “tiny house” movement, minimalism, and the “experience” economy. But we will have to do much much more to ensure that the next 100 years are not a repeat of the last 100 years. We need to reduce our dependence on consumer goods for economic well-being and personal happiness and find other ways to define wealth and success. We should endeavor to simplify our lives, our homes, our possessions and pare them down to quality, lasting materials we can depend on for as long as possible. Because if we want to survive as human beings, we can no longer afford all of our “stuff.”
Lesson #4: No. More. Victims.
We need a generation of tough, resilient, gritty people. By tough, I do not mean “bully.” I mean people who are thick skinned. Of all the life lessons I have learned, this one worries me the most for the future. We are not prepared for the future because we are not prepared emotionally for the future. Life is unfair. People are mean. Failure is inevitable. There will always be somebody better, smarter, better looking, faster, and stronger than you. These are all basic life lessons that were taught for centuries to help people survive the tough times. Why have we forgotten them? I admit that I am guilty as charged of being overly sensitive, driven to react prematurely, overly entitled and unnecessarily defensive in my life. I have dwelled too long on failure and engaged in self-sabotage. I have to own this and its consequences in my own life and then I have to figure out a way to move on. We have to learn how to pick ourselves up after tragedy and failure, dust ourselves off and keep going, regardless of whether we are at fault or not. The challenges facing our society are too grim for us to get upset and angry over pettiness and minutiae.
Lesson #5: No. More. Dwelling.
This lesson is otherwise known as “live in the moment.” “Be present.” “Be mindful.” If we spend too much time worrying about what has happened in the past and our inability to change it or what will happen in the future and our inability to control it, we will make the fatal error of not paying attention to the only real control we have, which is what I choose to do at this very moment right now. This intention to be fully present only works if we let go of everything else and focus completely on the NOW. If we can master our emotions, our judgment, our thoughts, our decisions, and our behavior in the NOW, then the past and the future will all fall into place and will start to make sense. This is by far the toughest lesson of life but it is probably the most important.
Lesson #6: No. More. “Self-hatred.”
Both Men and Women in our society engage in self-hatred. It just takes different forms. Women have been made more aware of this through the social critique of impossible beauty and femininity standards in popular culture. These standards, which, on-face, have no basis in logic are largely responsible for ushering in an era of eating disorders and unhealthy lifestyle choices for women. Men, too, are fed an impossible cultural diet of disturbing messages about what it means to be a man and are often taught to suppress their emotions and prove their masculinity through violence. This is to the detriment of their human relationships, their physical and mental health. Images and messages about human beings are too often codified and sorted into a problematic hierarchy of race, age, gender, religion, sexual orientation and intellectual/physical ability. Consumer capitalism has fostered the competitive, zero-sum, “winner takes all,” mentality of “you’re not enough.” The message of “you’re not enough,” is constantly fed to us in a steady stream of cultural content through advertising and other mediums. The purpose is to motivate us to buy goods and services that help temporarily relieve those feelings of inadequacy. But the feelings of inadequacy become deeply rooted over time, contributing to depression, poor lifestyle choices, anxiety and other disorders. We begin to over indulge, overeat, smoke, drink, and engage in other addictive or maladaptive behaviors to help reduce these feelings of sadness, inadequacy, anxiety and chronic insecurity. Newsflash: Our bodies are ourselves. We need to understand that what we are doing to our bodies is a manifestation of our state of mind. We need to love our bodies as they are and do our very best to accept ourselves and learn to be “enough” so that our choices are not solely determined by external sources of validation.
Lesson # 7: No. More. “Self-Absorption.”
Too often we center our own experience and emotions as the most supremely important and defining experience of anyone anywhere. We immediately judge those around us in terms of our own experience and morality and we assume that whatever we are going through in the moment trumps that of those in our immediate sphere of influence. We should try putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes. Chances are that our experiences and life challenges are not that unique, nor are our feelings one way or another. Everyone is going through life, trying to get by, and facing different tragedies, rejections, failures, traumas and challenges. We should never assume that because someone is being rude or difficult that it has anything to do with us and try not to take it personally. Chances are that if you knew what they were going through, you would be more compassionate and patient. Additionally, our propensity for judging others through our own myopic lens of life leads us to take ourselves way too seriously. Most of what we get upset and angry over is not worth the energy required to be upset in the first place. We need to have a sense of humor towards life and ourselves and use humor to de-escalate conflict and promote dialogue and understanding.
Lesson #8: No. More. “Instant Gratification.”
Everything worth having in life usually requires more effort and time than most people are willing to put in. This is true whether it is a great career, a great marriage, a great relationship with family members and children, or other successes. There is rarely an easy path to success and usually people don’t have the patience to do the incremental day in and day out drudgery often required of the pursuit of one’s dreams. Additionally there are no guarantees that all your effort will produce the results you thought they would. This can lead people to be too fearful to start down a path to their dream for fear it will never happen, or, it can lead you to regret the path you took and question all the years of time and money expended for something you never truly wanted. Both of these outcomes are possible. So you have to do a deep dive into your truth. Ask yourself what your goals are really about? What defines happiness for you? Is it the journey? Is it the outcome? What does happiness really look like and what happens if you achieve your dream and it is not what you thought it would be? In some ways, the slow, incremental steady approach is the wisest because it allows you to do a constant self-assessment and reevaluation of your goals. People who achieve success and fame instantly often struggle with it because they were not mentally and emotionally prepared for it when it comes.
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